How to destroy your business in three easy steps.

So, you’ve gone to all the trouble to open a business: you’ve raised the capital, hired employees, bought inventory, and opened the doors. Mission accomplished! Until, of course, the actual pressures of running a business come to bear. If the work of being a business owner, and subject to actual market feedback is overwhelming, what’s a lifestyle entrepreneur to do? Why, destroy the business, naturally! Here’s how to accomplish that laudable goal in three easy steps.

1. Refuse to take criticism of any kind, especially from experts, and blame everyone around you for the business’s shortcomings. 

Watch this. Just watch it. Yep, all of it.

Congratulations! You’ve completed step 1.

2. Attack anyone who doesn’t recognize that you know everything, and that you’re right about everything (bonus points if you call them “haters”)

amyRespond to any negative review with self-righteous indignation. Be sure to take everything personally, and react with emotion as opposed to any sort of rational thought. Be sure to attack them personally, as their ideas aren’t worth listening to anyways.

It’s critical in this stage to specifically attack your customers in particular. Make sure you call into question their honesty, integrity, intelligence, and family lineage.

3. Go public in as big a way as you possible can. 

If you’ve followed the previous steps, and with a little bit of luck, you might be on your way to being a viral superstar! As traffic begins to flood into your social media looking for proof of your douchebaggery, be sure to engage them violently and in public. Invoke your righteousness, reiterate how you are always right, and will overcome the haters, mix in a deity or two, and a healthy dose of caps lock and profanity. If website users are laughing at you, poorly photoshop a response indicating that law enforcement is now involved:

shopped

 

Whatever you do, don’t stop engaging with the “haters”. It’s imperative at this stage to feed the flame until the inevitable nervous breakdown, wherein the business spontaneously combusts.

Success! You’ve now destroyed your business, and paved the way for your own reality TV show!

Chris Jenkins

Hi there! I'm a Florida based web guy with cool friends and a questionable sense of humor. I love code, craft beers, and long walks on the beach while playing Ingress. I'm happily married to my best friend, and the proud father of two. I hope someday to download my brain into a computer.

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